My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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The USS B port
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice