“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
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wtf management?!
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Candles never taste the way they smell
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.