Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.