LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?