Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
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Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
the clam before the storm
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
my proudest tweet
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.