9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I feel seen
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
The USS B port
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Does this dress make me look cat?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book