Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now