Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
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Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.