The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
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Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
every single time
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical