Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
i want to work in this restaurant
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on