I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Left at a local drug store…
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.