me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Cats (2019)
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.