Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
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When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Sharon I have some bad news
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
my friends when i can’t do basic math
This is the best one I’ve seen