Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud