Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Scream sneezers need love too.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing