*gets down on one knee*
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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
dogs can find happiness so easily
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.