A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Choose your fighter
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.