Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
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ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop