Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
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They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.