I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
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Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Tough love is true love
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.