News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.