Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.