If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.