me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
You Might Also Like
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Personal question. #JustSaying
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this