So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
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You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
🍞🦆
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
When I snag the last meatball.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)