Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO