me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
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we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
What personal space?
My dog
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”