People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
You Might Also Like
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
#SaturdayBears
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.