job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
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I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock