me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)