[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary