gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
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All generalizations are stupid.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.