I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…