Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?