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Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
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My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.