Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
That was easy.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!