I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
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gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.