Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
a fate I wish upon no one
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”