Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
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friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice