When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain