Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
never deleting this app.