[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
(Gaming support cat.)
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”