[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.