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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…