The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
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The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
So inspired right now.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
#MeanwhileInCanada
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*