Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
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Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME