Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.