Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Fiction has to make sense.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.