I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Basically.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*pokes sex life with a stick
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again