OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The asteroid..
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.